On December 21, 2013, I received a phone call that would forever change me and everything I thought would and should happen in 2014. Although this is a very difficult thing for me to write and process, I believe it is necessary for my grieving process to journal how God's hand was so apparent the day I lost my mom and also while faced with enormous uncertainty of my dad's recovery. This is part one of my journaling. As I began to journal, I wanted to capture so many details of the year and as you can imagine, it became quite lengthy. My husband encouraged me to post in its entirety and not condense it. I will be posting in parts over the next couple of weeks. I am so thankful for God's perfect plan for my life and his abundant grace. When faced with trial, it can be a quick question to ask "where was God?", but God truly is present in all aspects of our lives and I am thankful my focus was drawn to those details when encountering such a time in my life that could leave one fearful and left without hope. I stand in awe of the unique plan God has to sanctify each one of us, refining us through very individual ways, to become more like Christ. I have included a few poems I wrote during the first few months following the accident as I feel it gives light to where my heart and mind were focused even during the most difficult of days. I am hopeful these blog entries will be encouraging to others that are facing or may someday face a trial similar to the one my family faced over the past year. I also believe it will bring me hope when facing future difficulties in my own life.
I have learned each person processes loss and trials very differently and no matter how it is processed God has us in His hands. This is a journal from my viewpoint as I walked through this past year. Please know I am sharing highlights and times that stood out to me. Do not think I did not have days of crying my eyes out or having bitter thoughts about my situation. This was by far the most difficult year of my 40 years on this earth, but I am standing 12 months out praising my God for what he carried me through - and many days all I could do is allow him to carry me.
December 21, 2013, was a day God designed and laid out before time began. There was not a detail he was unaware of (
Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them). It was a Saturday morning and we were in the midst of deer hunting season and expecting family in for the days ahead when we would be celebrating Christmas. Chad decided the evening before to forego deer hunting for the day and help out at work (2 minutes up the road) putting a plow truck together for an anticipated snowfall. If you have a deer hunter as a husband you know making this decision is not a common occurrence.
This same morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test as we suspected I was pregnant. I was elated to see it was positive as we had lost a baby due to miscarriage in September and were unsure if a future pregnancy would be in God's plan. It would be months before I truly focused on the fact I was pregnant. God gave me abundant grace to move through daily life amidst grief, uncertainty, and pregnancy sickness. Our choice of naming our baby boy Ian, was based on our view that God is Gracious. God provided us the gift of Ian during one of the most difficult years we had ever faced.
Chad's sister and fiancé arrived around 11:00 am, about 4 hours earlier than originally planned. They decided to drive straight through and come directly to our house instead of going to their dad's place. The phone call from the hospital came in about 30 minutes after their arrival. I am so thankful they were here to stay with our children so Chad and I could quickly leave home and not worry about anything else. When the hospital called they indicated my dad had been in a car accident and was taken to the ICU and I needed to get there right away. I asked about my mom as I knew they would have been together, but they told me they knew nothing about her or where she might be, but repeated the need for me to get to the hospital. I was in such a state of panic and shock, shaking uncontrollably, all I could do was write my dad's name down on a piece of paper. I just could not think straight not knowing what the next few hours would bring. I tried right away to call my mom and left a voicemail telling her to please call me. I then called Chad to come home and called my sister, Tina, (who was on her way to Iowa City) and brother, Tim, to have them meet me at the hospital and also to try to find our mom.
On the way to the hospital (about 15 minutes from our home), my husband received a phone call from his dad. His dad had stopped at Mercy to visit another family member when dad arrived by ambulance. Chad's sister had called and given him the news and he was already there. He was able to talk with the Chaplain and he shared about the loss of mom. I was able to receive this news from my husband and able to process my initial grief and shock with him, instead of finding out from a stranger. The timing of so many things this day and those following provided an abundance of peace for me. God's grace was poured out over my family.
When we first arrived at the ICU, we were not yet able to see my dad. I noticed two sheriffs, one carrying a black purse and knew they were looking for us. I approached them and told them who I was. They sat down with me to let me know about my mom. One of the sheriffs said mom looked like she had fallen asleep. This brought another wave of peace as my mom had always said she wanted to die in her sleep and not have to suffer. I told them I knew God had a plan for what was happening. Even if I did not understand it then, I knew God was completely sovereign over what was happening.
Dad and mom had been in town for an appointment and Christmas shopping. As they were driving home they hit one of the only patches of ice on a very long stretch of highway. At the exact moment they slid on the ice and crossed the center line, an oncoming vehicle struck the passenger side of my parents' vehicle. How often do we take those drives for granted, just a couple miles from home, and in a split second so many lives were changed. I love that mom had retired the year before and my parents had so much time just being married. I treasure the extra time I had with her and the time she spent with my children. The night before the accident, mom had called some of her siblings. These were not phone calls frequently made. What a wonderful thing for those siblings to have - those conversations with their sister, not realizing what the next day would bring.
Seeing my dad for the first time was very difficult. We were given much hope from the medical staff that once the sedatives wore off dad would be just fine. They did not realize he was deaf/mute and said he was acting irrational on the scene so they sedated him. He had minimal physical injuries so full recovery was what we anticipated. Our biggest fear and worry was telling dad about mom. How do you tell someone their wife has passed away? How would he react? Then hours became days and then a week and dad still did not wake up. It was discovered dad had a brain injury, which caused sheering on his brain and his recovery was unknown. If he woke up, his future was uncertain. Our prayers became focused not on how to tell dad about mom, but that he would wake up at all. During this time period we were overwhelmed by our family and friends and the pouring out of themselves through caring for our families, sending encouraging words, being present, lifting us up in prayer, and the list goes on. My siblings and I spent many overnights and days at my dad's bedside. Our families sacrificed so much during this time so we could be there. We shared many tears, laughter, and prayers. God increased my faith and provided peace that can not be explained.
The decision was made to move forward in planning mom's funeral without my dad. We really did not know when he would wake up and if he did, we knew he would be in the hospital for a period of time. God provided great unity on decisions to be made. We were so grateful for so many servant hearts and loved ones who helped make the visitations and funeral a time of joyful celebration of our mom's life. The following is the poem I wrote that was read at my mom's funeral.
I never knew so many tears could flow,
Or the outpouring of love others could show.
I never would have chosen to say goodbye,
And will never understand no matter how hard I try.
But I trust in my God, He is bigger than this,
Not a day will pass where I will not reminisce.
God will provide the comfort I need,
He gives me strength and His Truth I will heed.
I see my mom sitting, holding his hand,
Providing him comfort through things unplanned.
She continues to care for him even though gone,
I want them both back, oh how I long.
I pray for healing and trust in God's plan,
He knew this would happen even before time began.
I know He is stretching me, His work never flawed,
My most fervent prayer yet, all glory to God.
The evening following the funeral, my sister and I decided to make a quick stop to see our dad and within a few minutes of arriving, he opened his eyes for the first time. What an amazing gift to receive the day we buried our mom. The timing truly was perfect in my eyes. This day would mark a very long road of recovery for my dad.
End of Part 1
As I began to process my thoughts on journaling about my year, our pastor gave a sermon on refinement. This provided such an encouragement to me. If you have an opportunity, I would encourage you to listen
http://s3.amazonaws.com/churchplantmedia-cms/grace_life_church_iowa/113014-the-grace-of-refinement-mal-2-17-3-5-pastor-seth-channell.mp3.
