How I Had Peace - Part 2

I am going to back track just a little bit in this post. I was in the process of pulling old Facebook posts together, reading back through the Caring Bridge site and talking with my sister and decided to start this post on the day of my mom's funeral. I think one of the main things that stood out to me the day of mom's funeral (and the visitation the night before) was the number of family and friends that came to support us and show their love for our families, and most importantly our mom. It was a difficult day knowing dad was still not awake and we were burying our mom without him by our side. In an effort to honor both my dad and mom, we asked their pastor to lead the funeral service. My parents attended a deaf church, so the pastor is deaf and we had an interpreter for the hearing. I truly believe this is what my mom would have wanted and it provided a perfect way for us to capture the funeral for my dad to see when he was ready. It was a beautiful, gospel-centered service. The day was filled with many hugs, smiles, tears and laughter.

As I mentioned in the previous post, my sister and I arrived to the hospital moments before my dad would be awake for the "first" time. What I had forgotten was he had previously had his eyes open, but it was obvious he did not see us. His eyes had always been glazed and empty looking. The night of mom's funeral it was obvious he was awake and seeing us. My sister asked dad if he could see us and he nodded yes and then proceeded to sign "yes" and "I Love You". Months down the road, I would realize how truly wonderful this was. My dad had not lost his ability to communicate, I believe, based largely on the fact he is deaf/mute. After being around numerous other brain injury patients during dad's recovery it made me realize verbal communication is often one of the areas that have to be relearned. I now better see God's grace and blessing in my dad's disability.

Just two days later, on January 1, 2014, my dad was moved out of the ICU. Dad was stable enough to be out of the ICU, but was facing a long road to recovery. He still had a trachea to assist with better breathing and had a feeding tube. He still had no use of his right side due to the brain injury. One of the most difficult things emotionally for me was never knowing from one day to the next if my dad would remember the day before. He always seemed to remember us kids for the most part, but for a long period of time, he mostly talked of things that occurred 30 plus years prior. He would talk of his school days, bowling was a highlight and of his parents? There was so much confusion in our conversations. Many times I would just go and sit with him while he slept. He would have brief moments of alertness that were typically filled with retelling of dreams he was having - which to him were realities. He also would have times of hallucinations and various times would seem "normal". We had not yet reached a point of talking about mom. We would ask if he remembered the accident, but the conversations never went much further than that in the first couple of weeks. We knew the emotions of telling him were going to be difficult and they were. Because of his memory loss, we would have the same conversations over and over with him, but to him they were the first time. Each day I would pray for God's strength as I went to visit.

Dad was still very weak physically and needed a lot of care and attention after transitioning out of the ICU. There are things you never expect to have to do for your parents, but when it comes right down to it, there is no hesitation. If you have ever cared for an ill parent or grandparent you know what I am talking about. It is a very humbling experience for both the child and the parent. When your loved one needs you right then and there, you don't stop and contemplate if you are comfortable or not, you just do it and later think "did I really just do that?...only by God's strength."

On January 9th, dad started asking questions about mom that required answers and those questions would continue to come each time someone visited. He would not recall or remember the last conversation. It was during this time period, that many decisions were being processed for dad's and our future. Dad would definitely need further rehabilitation and we were praying it would be somewhere local, but there were no guarantees. The absolute best option in our eyes was On With Life (OWL) about two blocks from my house, but he would have to be accepted first, and from what we were being told, it was very difficult to get in. If OWL did not accept him, we were looking at facilities 100's of miles from home. So many praises when we found out OWL was going to accept my dad, however, there was a waiting list and dad would need to stay at Mercy for many more weeks. There were times it was difficult to get up and go to the hospital not knowing how dad would be doing each day. He would have a really good day where he seemed to be in good spirits and having "normal" conversations and then the next day he would be really confused thinking he was in jail and trying to leave. He would tell us the police had come to his room. I think one of the most difficult things to see was my dad's arms being strapped down to the bed so he could not pull on all the cords and tubes still running all over his body. In his confusion, he would try pulling things off and often times asked over and over for a pair of scissors. We would loosen up the straps while we were visiting so he could sign to us, but I can imagine how uncomfortable that was for him. He so badly wanted to leave his bed and would ask for his boots and ask what time he could leave. He would at times be agitated by his situation and it broke our hearts.

The following is a poem I wrote when I was sitting with my dad on one of his rougher days when he mostly slept and his confusion was so evident.

Feeling helpless, by his side
God give me strength, in you reside.
So much confusion, repeating of words,
Where am I at? What are these cords?
Do you remember? What do you know?
The memories seem to just ebb and flow.
Praising God for every new sign,
Trusting in him as we walk this fine line.
Not knowing what to expect the next time he wakes,
But putting faith in God's plan, he makes no mistakes.

We were so appreciate of the interpreters available daily for my dad so all medical conversations and even visitors could communicate easily with him. He came to really enjoy the interpreters during his stay at Mercy. On January 11th my dad had his trachea removed and I was there to witness and learn another amazing thing God designed our bodies to do. The trachea was pulled out, the area cleaned up a bit and a bandage placed over the hole. God designed our body to heal a hole in our throat by itself. With the removal of the trachea, the doctor stated, "The good Lord will heal it." The removal of the trachea brought the freeing of dad's hands from the restraints and seemed to lift his spirits. His times of being awake continued to increase, but he continued to have pretty significant memory loss. I was quite surprised at times when he would remember things that occurred within 6 months of the accident - such as when we lost our baby in September and also the fact mom and dad's cat, Oscar, had been put to sleep that summer, but then there were these huge gaps in years where there was no memory. It was interesting how he seemed to remember me and my siblings (as adults), but would not recognize the grandkids. Physically dad was very weak and could not even sit up straight during times of initial therapy, but gradually could stand on his feet and use a walker. On January 16, 2014, dad transferred to the rehab floor at Mercy. There was so much uncertainty as we faced this transfer. The medical staff was very apprehensive about dad being able to physically handle the hours of therapy he would face on the rehab floor, but it was decided to move forward and see if he was up to the challenge. Part 3 of my journal will share his move into rehab and his continuing road to recovery.

During this time, Chad and I also started having conversations about dad possibly needing to come stay with us for a period of time following rehab. For those that know me well and my relationship with my dad, will understand this was not something ever planned for or desired prior to the accident, but God completely united Chad and I in these discussions and gave us both a heart for my dad we could not have obtained on our own. We were the only family that had a ranch style home that could accommodate having dad stay with us, but did not have the space available unless we built out our basement. The next several months would show me just how giving and selfless my husband is. He poured hours into a new living space just so my dad could live with us for a short period of time. Chad poured into me, our children, and our marriage when my mind was completely consumed elsewhere. He supported me, prayed over me, held me while I cried, and just listened to me too many times to count. It again brings tears to my eyes when I think of the time and energy he sacrificed for me and my family. There was an article I read and posted to FB that was entitled "The best times to show true love are when it isn't easy and it requires personal sacrifice." My husband truly showed me his character and love when we were in the midst of absolute chaos. The following is a poem I wrote to him for Valentine's Day last year.

A Valentine Poem for my love so dear.
The past couple of months have made it all the more clear.
Though God is my first, you hold second spot.
No other man before you, none other sought.
You give of yourself each and every day
following the plans God has lay.
I am amazed at your strength and patience towards me
as I falter and fail in my marriage to thee.
This season we're in, one of the hardest yet
But your love for me helps me not to fret.
I completely trust and praise God this day
for all he has given us, our love to stay.
You are a man that stands above the rest
Their daddy, my friend, my love, by far the best.

This was also a time that Chad and I reflected on the season of life we were in with another child on the way, homeschooling our children, being a full-time, stay-at-home mom of three children and contemplating the decision to have my dad live with us...no worries if you think it was crazy for us to even consider. Not one moment passed that we felt we were in control and had everything handled. We just knew we were praying daily and we were united as husband and wife in all our decisions. Our focus was on glorifying God and we knew we would have to lay aside our own comforts. I can tell you there were many uncomfortable moments and stressful situations, but I do believe God was glorified and honored in the decision we made. I also believe God had me home full-time and homeschooling my children for just a time as this. Chad and I never set out to homeschool our children and I "was always going to be a working mom", but 5 years ago we both had significant changes made in our hearts and truly felt me staying home and homeschooling our children was where God wanted our family. I can not imagine how difficult it would have been trying to juggle a full-time job outside of our home, managing our home, caring for our children, and visiting and subsequently caring for my dad. It saddens my heart to think about my dad laying in the hospital and in rehab with short, infrequent visits between busy life schedules. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to just be there whenever it was needed. My sister and brother also made so many sacrifices and I know at times it was challenging to fit everything in. I am grateful my children were able to see first hand, daily sacrifice for a family member in need. I made daily visits to my dad and often times brought my children along to see their grandpa. They were then able to serve their grandpa within our home once he moved in with us. We made many sacrifices in our home, but I believe it was all well worth the relationships built and lessons learned.

Having Peace that Day and the Year Following - Part 1

On December 21, 2013, I received a phone call that would forever change me and everything I thought would and should happen in 2014. Although this is a very difficult thing for me to write and process, I believe it is necessary for my grieving process to journal how God's hand was so apparent the day I lost my mom and also while faced with enormous uncertainty of my dad's recovery. This is part one of my journaling. As I began to journal, I wanted to capture so many details of the year and as you can imagine, it became quite lengthy. My husband encouraged me to post in its entirety and not condense it. I will be posting in parts over the next couple of weeks. I am so thankful for God's perfect plan for my life and his abundant grace. When faced with trial, it can be a quick question to ask "where was God?", but God truly is present in all aspects of our lives and I am thankful my focus was drawn to those details when encountering such a time in my life that could leave one fearful and left without hope. I stand in awe of the unique plan God has to sanctify each one of us, refining us through very individual ways, to become more like Christ. I have included a few poems I wrote during the first few months following the accident as I feel it gives light to where my heart and mind were focused even during the most difficult of days. I am hopeful these blog entries will be encouraging to others that are facing or may someday face a trial similar to the one my family faced over the past year. I also believe it will bring me hope when facing future difficulties in my own life.

I have learned each person processes loss and trials very differently and no matter how it is processed God has us in His hands. This is a journal from my viewpoint as I walked through this past year. Please know I am sharing highlights and times that stood out to me. Do not think I did not have days of crying my eyes out or having bitter thoughts about my situation. This was by far the most difficult year of my 40 years on this earth, but I am standing 12 months out praising my God for what he carried me through - and many days all I could do is allow him to carry me.

December 21, 2013, was a day God designed and laid out before time began. There was not a detail he was unaware of (Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them). It was a Saturday morning and we were in the midst of deer hunting season and expecting family in for the days ahead when we would be celebrating Christmas. Chad decided the evening before to forego deer hunting for the day and help out at work (2 minutes up the road) putting a plow truck together for an anticipated snowfall. If you have a deer hunter as a husband you know making this decision is not a common occurrence.

This same morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test as we suspected I was pregnant. I was elated to see it was positive as we had lost a baby due to miscarriage in September and were unsure if a future pregnancy would be in God's plan. It would be months before I truly focused on the fact I was pregnant. God gave me abundant grace to move through daily life amidst grief, uncertainty, and pregnancy sickness. Our choice of naming our baby boy Ian, was based on our view that God is Gracious. God provided us the gift of Ian during one of the most difficult years we had ever faced.

Chad's sister and fiancé arrived around 11:00 am, about 4 hours earlier than originally planned. They decided to drive straight through and come directly to our house instead of going to their dad's place. The phone call from the hospital came in about 30 minutes after their arrival. I am so thankful they were here to stay with our children so Chad and I could quickly leave home and not worry about anything else. When the hospital called they indicated my dad had been in a car accident and was taken to the ICU and I needed to get there right away. I asked about my mom as I knew they would have been together, but they told me they knew nothing about her or where she might be, but repeated the need for me to get to the hospital. I was in such a state of panic and shock, shaking uncontrollably, all I could do was write my dad's name down on a piece of paper. I just could not think straight not knowing what the next few hours would bring. I tried right away to call my mom and left a voicemail telling her to please call me. I then called Chad to come home and called my sister, Tina, (who was on her way to Iowa City) and brother, Tim, to have them meet me at the hospital and also to try to find our mom.

On the way to the hospital (about 15 minutes from our home), my husband received a phone call from his dad. His dad had stopped at Mercy to visit another family member when dad arrived by ambulance. Chad's sister had called and given him the news and he was already there. He was able to talk with the Chaplain and he shared about the loss of mom. I was able to receive this news from my husband and able to process my initial grief and shock with him, instead of finding out from a stranger. The timing of so many things this day and those following provided an abundance of peace for me. God's grace was poured out over my family.

When we first arrived at the ICU, we were not yet able to see my dad. I noticed two sheriffs, one carrying a black purse and knew they were looking for us. I approached them and told them who I was. They sat down with me to let me know about my mom. One of the sheriffs said mom looked like she had fallen asleep. This brought another wave of peace as my mom had always said she wanted to die in her sleep and not have to suffer. I told them I knew God had a plan for what was happening. Even if I did not understand it then, I knew God was completely sovereign over what was happening.

Dad and mom had been in town for an appointment and Christmas shopping. As they were driving home they hit one of the only patches of ice on a very long stretch of highway. At the exact moment they slid on the ice and crossed the center line, an oncoming vehicle struck the passenger side of my parents' vehicle. How often do we take those drives for granted, just a couple miles from home, and in a split second so many lives were changed. I love that mom had retired the year before and my parents had so much time just being married. I treasure the extra time I had with her and the time she spent with my children. The night before the accident, mom had called some of her siblings. These were not phone calls frequently made. What a wonderful thing for those siblings to have - those conversations with their sister, not realizing what the next day would bring.

Seeing my dad for the first time was very difficult. We were given much hope from the medical staff that once the sedatives wore off dad would be just fine. They did not realize he was deaf/mute and said he was acting irrational on the scene so they sedated him. He had minimal physical injuries so full recovery was what we anticipated. Our biggest fear and worry was telling dad about mom. How do you tell someone their wife has passed away? How would he react? Then hours became days and then a week and dad still did not wake up. It was discovered dad had a brain injury, which caused sheering on his brain and his recovery was unknown. If he woke up, his future was uncertain. Our prayers became focused not on how to tell dad about mom, but that he would wake up at all. During this time period we were overwhelmed by our family and friends and the pouring out of themselves through caring for our families, sending encouraging words, being present, lifting us up in prayer, and the list goes on. My siblings and I spent many overnights and days at my dad's bedside. Our families sacrificed so much during this time so we could be there. We shared many tears, laughter, and prayers. God increased my faith and provided peace that can not be explained.

The decision was made to move forward in planning mom's funeral without my dad. We really did not know when he would wake up and if he did, we knew he would be in the hospital for a period of time. God provided great unity on decisions to be made. We were so grateful for so many servant hearts and loved ones who helped make the visitations and funeral a time of joyful celebration of our mom's life. The following is the poem I wrote that was read at my mom's funeral.

I never knew so many tears could flow,
Or the outpouring of love others could show.
I never would have chosen to say goodbye,
And will never understand no matter how hard I try.
But I trust in my God, He is bigger than this,
Not a day will pass where I will not reminisce.
God will provide the comfort I need,
He gives me strength and His Truth I will heed.

I see my mom sitting, holding his hand,
Providing him comfort through things unplanned.
She continues to care for him even though gone,
I want them both back, oh how I long.
I pray for healing and trust in God's plan,
He knew this would happen even before time began.
I know He is stretching me, His work never flawed,
My most fervent prayer yet, all glory to God.

The evening following the funeral, my sister and I decided to make a quick stop to see our dad and within a few minutes of arriving, he opened his eyes for the first time. What an amazing gift to receive the day we buried our mom. The timing truly was perfect in my eyes. This day would mark a very long road of recovery for my dad.

End of Part 1

As I began to process my thoughts on journaling about my year, our pastor gave a sermon on refinement. This provided such an encouragement to me. If you have an opportunity, I would encourage you to listen http://s3.amazonaws.com/churchplantmedia-cms/grace_life_church_iowa/113014-the-grace-of-refinement-mal-2-17-3-5-pastor-seth-channell.mp3.

Bridge Building

Big Brother decided we needed to do a family engineering project. I was amazed at how much of the designing and supply list was provided by an 8-year old. Daddy and Big Sister took off with building the base of the bridge and Big Brother and I worked on the bridge itself.

Big Brother's bridge design worked out perfectly!

Baby's Sisters Love of Snow

Baby Sister absolutely loves snow...however, it is much too cold for her to be out playing in it...or maybe, it is too cold for Mommy. Anyway, we always bring in a bowl of clean snow right after a snow fall (this was a few weeks back) so she can play "in the snow" while her older siblings are outside.

Yes, she loves the "taste" of snow as well : )