I am going to back track just a little bit in this post. I was in the process of pulling old Facebook posts together, reading back through the Caring Bridge site and talking with my sister and decided to start this post on the day of my mom's funeral. I think one of the main things that stood out to me the day of mom's funeral (and the visitation the night before) was the number of family and friends that came to support us and show their love for our families, and most importantly our mom. It was a difficult day knowing dad was still not awake and we were burying our mom without him by our side. In an effort to honor both my dad and mom, we asked their pastor to lead the funeral service. My parents attended a deaf church, so the pastor is deaf and we had an interpreter for the hearing. I truly believe this is what my mom would have wanted and it provided a perfect way for us to capture the funeral for my dad to see when he was ready. It was a beautiful, gospel-centered service. The day was filled with many hugs, smiles, tears and laughter.
As I mentioned in the previous post, my sister and I arrived to the hospital moments before my dad would be awake for the "first" time. What I had forgotten was he had previously had his eyes open, but it was obvious he did not see us. His eyes had always been glazed and empty looking. The night of mom's funeral it was obvious he was awake and seeing us. My sister asked dad if he could see us and he nodded yes and then proceeded to sign "yes" and "I Love You". Months down the road, I would realize how truly wonderful this was. My dad had not lost his ability to communicate, I believe, based largely on the fact he is deaf/mute. After being around numerous other brain injury patients during dad's recovery it made me realize verbal communication is often one of the areas that have to be relearned. I now better see God's grace and blessing in my dad's disability.
Just two days later, on January 1, 2014, my dad was moved out of the ICU. Dad was stable enough to be out of the ICU, but was facing a long road to recovery. He still had a trachea to assist with better breathing and had a feeding tube. He still had no use of his right side due to the brain injury. One of the most difficult things emotionally for me was never knowing from one day to the next if my dad would remember the day before. He always seemed to remember us kids for the most part, but for a long period of time, he mostly talked of things that occurred 30 plus years prior. He would talk of his school days, bowling was a highlight and of his parents? There was so much confusion in our conversations. Many times I would just go and sit with him while he slept. He would have brief moments of alertness that were typically filled with retelling of dreams he was having - which to him were realities. He also would have times of hallucinations and various times would seem "normal". We had not yet reached a point of talking about mom. We would ask if he remembered the accident, but the conversations never went much further than that in the first couple of weeks. We knew the emotions of telling him were going to be difficult and they were. Because of his memory loss, we would have the same conversations over and over with him, but to him they were the first time. Each day I would pray for God's strength as I went to visit.
Dad was still very weak physically and needed a lot of care and attention after transitioning out of the ICU. There are things you never expect to have to do for your parents, but when it comes right down to it, there is no hesitation. If you have ever cared for an ill parent or grandparent you know what I am talking about. It is a very humbling experience for both the child and the parent. When your loved one needs you right then and there, you don't stop and contemplate if you are comfortable or not, you just do it and later think "did I really just do that?...only by God's strength."
On January 9th, dad started asking questions about mom that required answers and those questions would continue to come each time someone visited. He would not recall or remember the last conversation. It was during this time period, that many decisions were being processed for dad's and our future. Dad would definitely need further rehabilitation and we were praying it would be somewhere local, but there were no guarantees. The absolute best option in our eyes was On With Life (OWL) about two blocks from my house, but he would have to be accepted first, and from what we were being told, it was very difficult to get in. If OWL did not accept him, we were looking at facilities 100's of miles from home. So many praises when we found out OWL was going to accept my dad, however, there was a waiting list and dad would need to stay at Mercy for many more weeks. There were times it was difficult to get up and go to the hospital not knowing how dad would be doing each day. He would have a really good day where he seemed to be in good spirits and having "normal" conversations and then the next day he would be really confused thinking he was in jail and trying to leave. He would tell us the police had come to his room. I think one of the most difficult things to see was my dad's arms being strapped down to the bed so he could not pull on all the cords and tubes still running all over his body. In his confusion, he would try pulling things off and often times asked over and over for a pair of scissors. We would loosen up the straps while we were visiting so he could sign to us, but I can imagine how uncomfortable that was for him. He so badly wanted to leave his bed and would ask for his boots and ask what time he could leave. He would at times be agitated by his situation and it broke our hearts.
The following is a poem I wrote when I was sitting with my dad on one of his rougher days when he mostly slept and his confusion was so evident.
Feeling helpless, by his side
God give me strength, in you reside.
So much confusion, repeating of words,
Where am I at? What are these cords?
Do you remember? What do you know?
The memories seem to just ebb and flow.
Praising God for every new sign,
Trusting in him as we walk this fine line.
Not knowing what to expect the next time he wakes,
But putting faith in God's plan, he makes no mistakes.
We were so appreciate of the interpreters available daily for my dad so all medical conversations and even visitors could communicate easily with him. He came to really enjoy the interpreters during his stay at Mercy. On January 11th my dad had his trachea removed and I was there to witness and learn another amazing thing God designed our bodies to do. The trachea was pulled out, the area cleaned up a bit and a bandage placed over the hole. God designed our body to heal a hole in our throat by itself. With the removal of the trachea, the doctor stated, "The good Lord will heal it." The removal of the trachea brought the freeing of dad's hands from the restraints and seemed to lift his spirits. His times of being awake continued to increase, but he continued to have pretty significant memory loss. I was quite surprised at times when he would remember things that occurred within 6 months of the accident - such as when we lost our baby in September and also the fact mom and dad's cat, Oscar, had been put to sleep that summer, but then there were these huge gaps in years where there was no memory. It was interesting how he seemed to remember me and my siblings (as adults), but would not recognize the grandkids. Physically dad was very weak and could not even sit up straight during times of initial therapy, but gradually could stand on his feet and use a walker. On January 16, 2014, dad transferred to the rehab floor at Mercy. There was so much uncertainty as we faced this transfer. The medical staff was very apprehensive about dad being able to physically handle the hours of therapy he would face on the rehab floor, but it was decided to move forward and see if he was up to the challenge. Part 3 of my journal will share his move into rehab and his continuing road to recovery.
During this time, Chad and I also started having conversations about dad possibly needing to come stay with us for a period of time following rehab. For those that know me well and my relationship with my dad, will understand this was not something ever planned for or desired prior to the accident, but God completely united Chad and I in these discussions and gave us both a heart for my dad we could not have obtained on our own. We were the only family that had a ranch style home that could accommodate having dad stay with us, but did not have the space available unless we built out our basement. The next several months would show me just how giving and selfless my husband is. He poured hours into a new living space just so my dad could live with us for a short period of time. Chad poured into me, our children, and our marriage when my mind was completely consumed elsewhere. He supported me, prayed over me, held me while I cried, and just listened to me too many times to count. It again brings tears to my eyes when I think of the time and energy he sacrificed for me and my family. There was an article I read and posted to FB that was entitled "The best times to show true love are when it isn't easy and it requires personal sacrifice." My husband truly showed me his character and love when we were in the midst of absolute chaos. The following is a poem I wrote to him for Valentine's Day last year.
A Valentine Poem for my love so dear.
The past couple of months have made it all the more clear.
Though God is my first, you hold second spot.
No other man before you, none other sought.
You give of yourself each and every day
following the plans God has lay.
I am amazed at your strength and patience towards me
as I falter and fail in my marriage to thee.
This season we're in, one of the hardest yet
But your love for me helps me not to fret.
I completely trust and praise God this day
for all he has given us, our love to stay.
You are a man that stands above the rest
Their daddy, my friend, my love, by far the best.
This was also a time that Chad and I reflected on the season of life we were in with another child on the way, homeschooling our children, being a full-time, stay-at-home mom of three children and contemplating the decision to have my dad live with us...no worries if you think it was crazy for us to even consider. Not one moment passed that we felt we were in control and had everything handled. We just knew we were praying daily and we were united as husband and wife in all our decisions. Our focus was on glorifying God and we knew we would have to lay aside our own comforts. I can tell you there were many uncomfortable moments and stressful situations, but I do believe God was glorified and honored in the decision we made. I also believe God had me home full-time and homeschooling my children for just a time as this. Chad and I never set out to homeschool our children and I "was always going to be a working mom", but 5 years ago we both had significant changes made in our hearts and truly felt me staying home and homeschooling our children was where God wanted our family. I can not imagine how difficult it would have been trying to juggle a full-time job outside of our home, managing our home, caring for our children, and visiting and subsequently caring for my dad. It saddens my heart to think about my dad laying in the hospital and in rehab with short, infrequent visits between busy life schedules. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to just be there whenever it was needed. My sister and brother also made so many sacrifices and I know at times it was challenging to fit everything in. I am grateful my children were able to see first hand, daily sacrifice for a family member in need. I made daily visits to my dad and often times brought my children along to see their grandpa. They were then able to serve their grandpa within our home once he moved in with us. We made many sacrifices in our home, but I believe it was all well worth the relationships built and lessons learned.
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